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I have a book <3
Utena with rose
Hi Livejournal! <3 I know I haven't posted on here in forever... the place has changed a bit, not bad though

I wrote a book! Well it's part one of a book. It's about a woman in Mali, Africa who is fighting against angels at the end of the last ice age. There are spaceships, magic, sci-fi, a bit of gore. It's really exciting and touching.

Joinnn meeee <3


Thanks LJ <3


Utena with rose
[Rich White Man]: I am so sad that the shitty society that my ancestors helped create is so shitty.  *kills self.*

Well... I got nothing to say to that.

*Keeps it moving.*

Utena with rose
Man, I don't know what I was expecting when I moved to San Francisco, but I wasn't expecting to be admitted to the hospital twice, for two completely different and intensely severe issues, be on welfare for a bit because of the crazy, and be rejected from one potentially abusive relationship only to enter a legit, NO, emotionally abusive relationship.  Sooooo I'm kind of done with the West Coast.

Luckily, a whole bunch of guidance came up at exactly the same time as all the NOOOOOO which was "Hey.  Why don't you spend your life saving the Earth now?  And by 'Why don't you,' we mean of course 'DO IT NOW.  MOVE TO DC.  GO TO LAW SCHOOL.  BECOME A BADASS LAWYER FOR THE EARTH WHO OVERTURNS CORPORATE GREED.  SAVE THE PLANET, OKAY?'"  o_o....

Uh.  Okay.  Sure.  I'll move to DC.

Back to DC.


No reserves about that at all.

Except my father is a pedophile (who lives in Philadelphia now but has major connections in DC still) my brother has tried to critically injure me twice and my mom is a narcissist.


No.  I'm sure this will work out.  Right?

Utena with rose
New video - Joy is your weapon against the Dark

Utena sleep

What a beautiful person.  Shine on.

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I made a couple videos!  Here's the latest one.  Will you like, comment, and share?  Mahalos <3

Angels and the Fallen
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New Article on my website Warrior Witch called "Angels and the Fallen"


Posted everywhere.  Distribute widely :)

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What's this all about?  o_o

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If you had two weeks to raise $1000, what would you do...?

I think whoring is highly discouraged in this culture... so no "whoring" answers please :)

Oh hai
Utena with rose
So I need help putting as much energy out into the universe as possible over the next five days.  And also receiving as much as I can.  As you know, money is a form of energy exchange between humans (and if you don't know, now you know /Biggie).  One that I have an incredibly difficult time receiving/honoring, and expanding into.  So it's time to blast my heart chakra wide open... you know, that one that I keep closing.  The new world is coming and I am being called.  But if I haven't expanded enough I will probably not be able to do my job.  So, here's how you can help me help you - over the next five days, a reading from me will be only $20, no matter how long it is.  I aim to do 20 readings over the next five days.  I know that I am right on the edge of that precipice, and that only a slight push will open everything up into.... everything.  So, help me out if you can. 

If you prefer to skip right to the chase, you can also support the work on Warrior Witch with a one-time donation

I've recently completely revamped the site.  Pretty nice, huh?  Got some more partners (and always looking for contributions of articles, artwork and your products and services to be featured on the page)  Spend some time there, get a reading or make a donation.  With total Aloha!


Utena sleep
Makin a post. 

No reason why. 

Been up.  ...  I'm livin in Hawaii still but I want to move to Japan after I graduate next year.

Planning to drop Dance and keep Women's Studies, and just graduate.  I'll be 30 next year, can I start my life already Jesus.  I found out that I got into UH Manoa, in Honolulu.  I had gone to see the Dalai Lama there in April and was feeling disenchanted with the "scene" in Hilo so thought that to be a performer I had to move out there.  Then thought I was approved.  Then thought that I wasn't.  Then decided that I only want to move to Honolulu to be able to move to Japan as a five-year plan, but that I should cut to the chanse and just graduate and move to Japan.  So that's happening.

Really sleepy but not.  Been up all night.  Every night since last week up all night, asleep in the morning.  Try to wake up and sometimes I do. But mostly I stay up.  And listen to myself, or watch anime. 

cypherwulf's icons made me curious about Gurren Lagann, so I been watchin that last couple of nights.  Also watched a couple of Japanese movies, like one called "Ashura" that's about a woman who happens to be the reincarnation of the goddess of the demons, who's awakened once she has sex with the man who tried to kill her as a child, and becomes so bitter at being a demon that she starts to destroy the world.  


Been havin visions.  I hate don't understand why I get some of these visions.  Especially the ones that seem to reflect the present, and people who are here.  Been having visions of a guy I dated  long time ago, like 2004.  So intense, like he loves me and stuff.  But... why would I care?  That's what I hate.  I don't understand why I get these visions and it seems like I'm supposed to do something about them.  What if I don't want to?  What if I've moved on?  8 years??  Seriously????  It's been helpful, I guess.  I always saved some of his emails, but never read them again.  So I started reading them and realized.

I was a complete fucking bitch, and he was... not a bad guy (in text). Which goes completely contrary to my memory.  ...  HIndsight... age... wisdom... something?  Most of the revelations I've had this year I probably wouldn't have had last year, actually.  In fact, the first visions started last year, shortly before I met Mike, who looked A BIT LIKE HIM, and who I dated for a few months before I left to go abroad.  The visions I had last year were... they were like, I felt this "presence," and the presence was like "OMG I LOVE YOU DEEPLY" and.. there was this song... which I just realized last night is fucking creepy because it's totally connected to this song that we loved back in the day.  ............................  anyway.  So, the vision last year was like "Someone who loves you is going to come into your life soon," and then I saw his image, my ex from 8 years ago.  I took it to mean, like... an archetypal image or something.  An image of someone that I loved once, guiding me to someone that I would love now.  I didn't...  hm. 

It's hard being psychic, hahaha... you don't always know "who" or "what" something is coming from.  And now that I've been having these images this year, it seems possible that it was/is a "who" and not a "what."  So, this year... well I broke up with Mike in February and got over him in April or so.  It was weird because I felt very very much in love with him...  Anyway...  I started getting the impression that by summer I'd be with someone, and maybe someone that I'd dated already.  So I assumed Mike.  But that is not happening... not least of all because between when I broke up with him and got over him I gradually realized what a groupie and poser he is... and how little he respects himself, and does not have the ability to show that respect to others.  And besides that, I started to feel very happy about single life.  Freedom, man, I don't know.  I suppose people are free in relationships but I've never experienced that.  I love have complete say over my time, the bed all to myself, and all the time to read in the world.  Another reason these visions kind of bother me.  .....But it has been helpful... re evaluating my impression of myself, and who I am or was, and how I've changed.  I feel somehow braver since I've been doing so... like "LIVE or die!"...  He had this total thing for being totally present in the moment.  And some of his emails to me would say as much too... it was very inspirational somehow.  And interesting to see how little I paid attention to his declarations of love and support and understanding of me. 

So I looked him up on the internet.  Which proved difficult.  His facebook is the same as in 2008... guess he stopped logging on.  His myspac ehasn't been touched in forever (but have any of ours?  LOL).  He doesn't seem to exist on the web other than that.  (On the other hand, I'm building my web presence as much as possible, I imagine it's quite convenient for people looking up info about me now that I think about it). 

....So then I found a friend of his, who was a friend of mine, a friend that I met on here, on livejournal.  And I sent the friend a message just saying "Sorry I was a bitch.  I remember you and I wonder if you remember me.  I just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry."  And that's pretty much it.  Can't do much else than that.  And again, I don't know why I'm having visions to start with.  It could be just for personal growth, which is so unbelievably irritating.  But if that's it, it has been working.  I even know that I have to "come out of the closet" soon, about something, though I have no idea how.  .... How to bridge those things, be both.  ....hm.

My Poetry - Facebook
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New page for my poetry and spoken word over at facebook. "Like" and Share <3


Utena with rose
So I totally traveled around the world over the past four months with Semester at Sea.

Awesome and/or never again. LOL

Pics are on facebook, with a few more to come

Blog that I uploaded by email over the past four months is still at www.ecstaticlift.wordpress.com . Click on the "travel" tag for all SaS blogs.

I'm on facebook as Zahdi Folley-Regusters


Writer's Block: Dynamite with a laser beam
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What's your favorite line from a song, and why?

kimi wo shinjiteru yorokobi

trans: It's my joy to believe in you.

Why? I dunno... it's this beautiful song about struggle and war and strife, then suddenly at the end of the song it goes uplifting... "love is the miracle I have found" "It's my joy to believe in you." "Oh wind, I am not afraid!" Awesome... very... hopeful. And lovely


Utena with rose
Wow... I.... I've changed so much

Since just like last Fall I've changed so much.

What happened? o_o???......

So, I got a friend's request on a post from 2009 (hi indyj_fangirl) and felt compelled to read all the posts that I had made to that point.

Wow, I was really depressed, and sad and confused and upset and annoyed and unsure of my identity. And I'm..... not anymore. That's kind of an amazing thing to say and it's totally true. The depression that I've had since I was 14 is not there, I know who I am, I know what I want, I have goals that I want to pursue for me, I have friends that mean a lot to me, I've cut off connections with half of my family (mom and brother... so much so that he's an "ex"-brother) and gotten a lot closer to the other half and in general all of the extended family (*squish......*), I'm doing things for me. Not because I have to.

I listen to and am responsive to the Lady...

I remember a ton of my past lives (something that's helped a lot.......) now

I don't let other people's insecurities make me feel bad about myself or down on myself, and realize finally that everyone is just "trying to do their best" and know that a lot of the time the people that I'm intimidated by are just as intimidated by me (something else that's helped a lot......)

I've finally learned how to give love, just to people everyday, friends, roommates, elders, and to RECEIVE it, and not be (as) nervous about letting people do things for me. I've learned how to ask for things and not martyr myself (as often) and realized that people don't want to see me suffer, and even when I do, that that makes an impression on them that I don't trust them to help me out and don't want to let them into my life (I hadn't realized this before).

On my classes last semester, they all turned out GREAT. SUPER FREAKING GREAT. EVEN THE ONE WITH THE DICK SEXIST ASSHOLE PROFESSOR. I learned a ton about women and social justice in my Women's Studies class!!! I don't think it should even be called "Women's Studies" that's so misleading... even though it focuses on women's issues and on feminism which I am now totally stoked about, and on women in history, it also focuses on racism and classism and heterosexism and... social justice. Everything that has ever made me angry, I learned how to address and how to name what was making me angry int hat class and my other Women's Studies/Eng class Intro to Pop Culture. That class too was sooooo informative.... about our media and our lifestyles and what we enjoy watching and why... and about sexism and racism and classism (and even ageism) I loved it.

I applied to change to a double major in Women's Studies and Dance and I started a Gender Studies Club on campus. I applied for the Semester at Sea program and got accepted. I learned how lying and just telling people that you're working with how much you appreciate them, even if you think they suck is sooooo important and worthwhile. I don't think that they teach you anything that you actually need to know in elementary/middle school >< . What they should've taught me was how to make and keep connections and network and work in groups. Instead they taught me to stress out about my grades and how perfect I was doing something, which ultimately matters about 5% in the real world.

I started a radio show on campus.

I've been to plenty luau's wit da choke grinds brah (parties with YUMMY food and good people).

That has helped a lot too. Being around people, strangers, who .... aren't strangers. They love you and they care about you. And you care about them. That's the culture here. Why is the mainland so completely fucked up???? All it takes is a family atmosphere and an open hand. .... Easier said than done, but if everyone's doing it, sooooo eassyyyyyyyy. And so relaxing, reassuring, awesome. I'm never scared about my well being anymore cause I feel like I would do anything to help out someone else, and I feel that they would do the exact same thing for me.

Hanging out with Madame Pele...

Reconnecting with people that I never knew that I knew....

I can honestly say that I love life now... when that happened exactly I don't know but I'm so thankful and grateful that I can say that and mean it.

There have been sad things... a lot of sad things... but I know how to reach out now, and let people into my life, let people support me... I mean I'm still working on this everyday but.... it's made things easier.

Like I said, cut off ties with half my fam. That was because when I got home for Winter Break, my ex-brother lost his shit and tried to kill me for some reason. And somehow, really, I feel like it was my mom's fault. So, I told him off and blocked him on facebook.

All the shit happening in the wold has been intense... from when the Revolution started in the Middle East... to when Wisconsin and everyone started havign to fight for basic freedoms here... to the "war on women" that the GOP finds so much more important to focus on than jobs....

to Japan.

God, Japan.

Also, who's fucking idea was it to build multiple nuclear power plants on the most active fault lines around? And can I shoot them? Seriously. WTF.

This semester ahs been really stressful for me.... figured out that I should really really be back on meds... anxiety kicked in around midterms and has not gone away...

And then two weeks ago Misha committed suicide.

.......... yeah. I've written a ton about that, mostly on facebook or on her wall, so I don't feel like repeating any of it. It was my first time experiencing the death of a friend, and to such a horrible end as suicide (just... going through with the urge from being in such a bad place, you want to hug her, comfort her so much, but she's gone, so you can't). And going through the grief process the first two weeks was hell. I did not stop crying for about 5 days. However, all my teachers were there for me, all my family and friends were there for me, and I was there for her friends, and they were there for me, and her mom.... Just a year ago (apparently, from reading my old posts), this would have beaten me. Now, I can move with it, and I can dance with the flow of life and death. I can honor her and know that she will be with us and mourn her and curse at her but... I can express... I don't keep it inside anymore.... because I knwo that other people want to hear what's going on with me as much as I want to hear what's going on with them. It's liberating to be in that place.